Best NFL Team Never To Play Football

I already know what you are thinking. “Come on Subhodaya, this is a basketball blog and here you are writing ANOTHER post about football. Do you know what the hell you are doing?” Of course I do.

My cousins and I always discuss athletes playing other sports than what they went pro in; so, with the NFL season ending and the NBA approaching the all-star break, I thought it would be appropriate to answer this question: If the NBA had to put together a professional football team to play in the NFL, who would be on the team? The biggest problem this question poses is there are so many players to choose from. Out of the 3 major sports (sorry Canada, hockey doesn’t count) basketball players, as a whole, are the most athletic and well-rounded athletes, unless they are 7′ 7″, from Romania, and starred in the movie My Giant. To narrow down the field, I have decided to only pick players who were productive during the last decade and the reason for that is this is my list so I make the rules. Also, when you imagine each player on the football field, imagine them during their prime. Without further ado, here is the greatest football team never to play football.

Offense

QB: Allen Iverson. With NFL defenses getting faster and faster, you need a QB who can avoid pressure and also present the threat of the run on every play. Who better than AI? During his prime Iverson was one of the quickest and most tenacious players. He drove to the hole without hesitation and was not afraid to get hit. You need that type of toughness in the leader of your offense. After a sack or a knockdown, it always helps keep morale up when the quarterback bounces back quickly and moves on to the next play. No one got up more after being sent sprawling to the hardwood than Iverson. Also, Iverson was the center of the Philadelphia 76ers offense and everything ran through him, causing people to label him as a ball hog. Well, by making him my QB I’m making sure the ball is in his hands on every play. Some people might argue that he is too small. To channel my inner Joy Behar so what, who cares? People said Drew Brees was too small and he just won some big game or something. If you still don’t like my choice of Iverson, watch this.

RB: LeBron James. With all due respect to every other RB who has ever played in the NFL, LeBron would be the most feared one. Who wants to try to tackle a 250 pounder running full speed? I have an answer. NO ONE. With his speed and strength he could score 6 anytime he touched the ball, no matter where he was on the field. LeBron also has great vision and would be able to see holes before they opened up and would also know when to break a run outside or just barrel up the middle for 4 yards. He would make Adrian Peterson look like Betty White.

WR1: Kobe Bryant. At 6’6″ he would tower over any defensive back who played against him. If he is covered one on one, just throw it up and there’s a 90% chance Kobe is coming down with it. Hell, even if he’s covered by three guys throw it up to him. He’ll come down with it 80% of the time or draw a penalty. Another reason Kobe would make a great receiver is his footwork. What sets 24 apart from his peers in basketball is his impeccable footwork. He is by far the best at the pump fake, spin on your pivot, and score…without traveling. To be a great WR you need great footwork. You need to be able to make tight cuts and not lose speed while making them. Kobe would be a master at doing this. Also, with his amazing stamina and competitiveness, Kobe would not take plays off a la Randy Moss.

WR2: Leandro Barbosa. He’s fast. With Kobe dominating on the other side, I need someone to stretch the field. I was looking at Tony Parker, but he’s French…not that there’s anything wrong with that. You guys make excellent toast. Anyways, all Barbosa needs to do is run down field and occupy one of the safeties, and block every once in a while. He’ll have no problem doing that.

TE: Joakim Noah. Yeah he’s annoying, but if he’s on your team that’s okay. He’s a hustle guy and does a lot of the little things that help your team win. With Kobe and LeBron getting most of the touches, I don’t need my TE to be a pass catching TE. I need him to block, make a big play here and there, and pump the team up. I will get that from Yannick’s son. Also, like I said he is really annoying, so there’s a good chance that at least once a game he pisses off the opponents so much that they do something stupid and get an unsportsmanlike penalty.

FB: Anderson Varejao. I want my fullback to not care about anything except blocking for the RB. Believe me when I say the fullback is not going to get any touches. When you watch Varejao play, you can tell that he enjoys getting rebounds, playing defense, and most importantly setting screens for LeBron. Well on my football team he can enjoy blocking for LeBron. He can also use his hair to clear space.

Guard, Center, and Tackle: Shaquille O’ Neal. Trust me, Shaq will be enough. If not we can throw in Robert “Tractor” Traylor to help him out. And yes, that is really him.

Defense

CB1: Bruce Bowen. Would be great at bump n run coverage. The key to bump n run is to use your hands to knock the receiver off his route. Bruce was great at using his hands to defend players during his run with the Spurs, even though most of the time it was illegal. Now he can do it legally. Also, he had very quick feet and anticipated well, so he could definitely cover a receiver one on one. Most importantly, Bowen was regularly touted as the league’s dirtiest player, so he would trip, claw, and bite the opponent’s number one receiver into submission.

CB2: Josh Smith. Might not be quick enough to cover a receiver one on one but my safeties can help with that. With his height, length, and leaping ability, he would be hellacious in zone coverage. He could basically cover two zones by himself. Might gamble a little bit too much to get a pick (similar to him shooting so many 3’s even though he has a horrible percentage) but I can live with that.

FS and SS: Rajon Rondo and Chris Paul. Neither of them is very big but I do not need them to make big hits. Both of them are among the league leader in steals, which makes them perfect as my safeties. They have great instincts, would get good jumps on the ball, and would definitely be able to read the eyes of the opposing QB. Both of them are very smart players and would most likely always be in position to make a tackle or make a play on the ball. If they are ever out of position, they have enough speed to make up for it.

MLB: Ron Artest. Very strong and versatile. In the NBA, Artest is one of the few players who can guard anyone from a point guard to a power forward. On the football field, I could put him on a tight end, the third receiver, or have him blitz and cause havoc in the pocket. Also remember, this is Ron Ron in his prime aka Crazy Ron Artest so opponents would definitely be afraid of him because there would be a good chance he would punch them in the face. I would have Stephen Jackson chilling on my bench just in case Ron needed help.

Defensive End and Tackle: Shaquille O’ Neal and Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor. Trust me, they will be enough.

Secret Weapon: Dwight Howard. Anytime the opponent is lining up to kick a field goal I’m bringing in Howard. With his height and leaping ability he is going to block every kick or at least make the kicker push the ball wide right or left. No field goals against my team I guarantee it.

Personnel:

GM: Me. I put the team together. I’m the GM.

Coach: Jim Caldwell. Just seeing if you are still paying attention. I would only have Caldwell as my coach if this was a team full of mimes. The coach would be…me. As the GM, I would play the loyalty card and hire myself as coach. Hey, that’s just the way it goes.

Offensive and Defensive Coordinator: Me…again. What did you expect?

With the athletes on this team, and with the great coaching I would provide, we could just fill up the other positions with random scrubs and the team would still go 16-0 in the regular season and destroy everyone in the playoffs. First team to go 19-0. Take it to the bank.

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6 Responses to “Best NFL Team Never To Play Football”

  1. You gave yourself any player in the past 10 seasons, at the peak of their respective performance, to play any positions… and somehow, Leandro Barbosa and Joakim Noah made your list?????

    What are you smoking, and where can I get some?

    You’ve already got your go-to receiver in Kobe. Got it, makes sense. But you’re telling me that, out of EVERY PLAYER POSSIBLE to pick, you’d pick Barbosa for your second wide receiver? Sure, he’s fast. Great. But he’s kind of short, and he doesn’t even start for his own basketball team. According to you, he’s clearly playing the wrong sport.
    The direction I’d go with it is a possession receiver – someone who you could always count on to catch the ball, no matter how poorly-thrown it might be. Jumping ability and body control are key here. I can’t think of a better player to fill that role than Shawn Marion. The man has made a career of catching difficult balls in mid-air, and then dunking said ball through the hoop before landing. If that’s not indicative of potential performance as a receiver, I don’t know what is. Barbosa…. I mean, come on Sub. Really? REALLY????

    You also put Dwight Howard on your roster, but you’ve got him as a secret weapon. And yet, you opt to start Joakim Noah at TE. Clearly, you shouldn’t be GM of any team, including your future children’s Y-league flag football teams, because you’re demonstrating a frightening lack of ability to evaluate talent. A TE is responsible for blocking, so they have to be big and strong, but they’re also a key part of the receiving game, so they have to be athletic, fast, and coordinated. I don’t know how many Joakim Noah games you’ve watched, but “coordinated” isn’t the word that comes to mind when I’m thinking of how to describe him. More like “haphazard.” Dwight Howard, on the other hand, overpowers the strongest players in the NBA on a regular basis (something Noah doesn’t do), in addition to the remarkable coordination and athleticism he displays in his emphatic swats and powerful dunks and alley-oops.

    You also neglected to include Glen “Big Baby” Davis on your offensive or defensive lines. Shameful.

    • Jack, you silly man. I’m putting together a team, an actual team. Not some collection of all-stars that you can play with on XBOX. Look at the Saints. They played together as a team and won the Super Bowl. They have a collection of mediocre players, talent wise, but they played together.

      I have AI, LeBron, and Kobe. That’s enough star power. This isn’t some Olympic team where they play for 2 weeks under the American flag. This is the NFL where they will play, I hope, 19 games. If I was gathering the absolute best talent, of course I would have Wade, Melo, etc. But that’s not what I’m doing.

      As I said before AI, LeBron, and Kobe are going to dominate my offense. The other players on offense need to be role players who do not mind being unnoticed. Barbosa is a perfect fit for my 2nd receiver. He is probably the fastest NBA player, and he comes off the bench as a 6th man for the Suns. He doesn’t need to be a star and I don’t need to have a possession receiver. A possession receiver is someone who is tall, strong, athletic, and can catch in traffic. Someone who, when the quarterback is in trouble, can go up and make a play and get the tough yards. Someone who is 6′ 6″ and has an insatiable desire to be the best. Someone who is not going to let the cornerback get between him and the ball. I don’t know…maybe someone like KOBE BRYANT. I need my other receiver to be a speed demon. Someone who can just run down the field and draw the defense, so everything opens up for Kobe and LeBron. Barbosa is perfect for that. And if he gets injured I can bring in Tony Parker off the bench, but I will need to tell him to leave the white flag at home.

      You do make a good point on Shawn Marion. He needs to be on the team. I can definitely use him on defense as a weak side linebacker. When I’m playing zone, I can have him and Josh Smith basically cover one side of the field with their size, length, and athleticism.

      Dwight Howard is not going to be my TE. You said “A TE is responsible for blocking, so they have to be big and strong, but they’re also a key part of the receiving game.” Not my TE. If you had read my article you would have seen that I wrote “With Kobe and LeBron getting most of the touches, I don’t need my TE to be a pass catching TE. I need him to block, make a big play here and there, and pump the team up.” With Howard on the field with AI, Kobe, and LeBron I will have too many players used to being the focal point of their team. I need someone who doesn’t care about numbers. That’s Noah. His main job is to block and he can do that. He’s second in the league at rebounding, which means he can get down in the paint and play with the big boys. That’s all blocking is in football. Getting down in the trenches and pushing people around. Also Dwight is too nice of a guy. I need someone who the other team looks at and despises. No one fits that mold better than Noah. He’s going to get under the skin of the opposing team and cause them to lose focus. Also someone like that galvanizes a team. When’s he’s going against you, you hate him. But when he’s on your team you love him. When someone on your team is hated so much by the other team and their fans, you rally around him. And if you think Noah is uncoordinated and doesn’t have any skills, watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpgMHUHJZNU

      As for Glen Davis, his nickname is BIG BABY!. I can’t have anybody like that playing on either of my lines. Football is a dirty sport. People eye gouge, stomp on each other, and do whatever necessary to get the upper hand. One mean look, let alone one eye gouge, from Ray Lewis and Big Baby is going to piss his pants.

  2. As between Tony Parker, who is French, and Barbosa who is from Brazil…I’d pick Barbosa (National Origin had absolutely no bearing on my pick…promise). Plus I think Barbosa is legitimately faster than Parker.

    The only weaknesses I see in the team Subhodaya created are the GM and offensive & defensive coordinators.

    Cheers,

    Nate

    • Screw you. You are just jealous I didn’t let you be part of the team. I’m sorry about that. You are one of my best friends. How about I let you be the water boy?

  3. Probably the worst article I’ve seen on this website besides the Kobe interview.

  4. TheFilthyMcNasty Says:

    Sub, i appreciate that you do give me a few shouts in your article..”my cousins” and you also acknowledged the fact that you and i have had these conversations before….thanks man…if you guys do a mailbag, can you answer my ridiculous question last, then say “Yep, these are my readers”.? Thanks again, your cousin.

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